Summary.If you sense that spinning information, denying a mistake, embellishing data, or exaggerating a contribution has backfired, your reputation may now be in question. Here is how you can earn back some of your credibility.First, reflect on why you lied.Underneath our lies are unmet needs that we believe lying might satisfy. Identifying these needs is the first step to finding healthier ways to fulfill them. Next, evaluate the gap between the reputation you want and the reputation you have. Once you are clear on this, you can more accurately evaluate the degree of doubt you may have raised. Finally, now that you have identified the conclusions people have drawn about you, practice demonstrating honesty in ways that refute them.
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People lie, on average, one to two times per day. While the percentage of lies told by a person, the conditions under which we lie, and the degree to which the truth gets stretched allvary, research agrees — we all do it sometimes. Given the prevalence of lying, it seems inevitable that, at some point, we are going to get caught.
Many people, however,don’t see it that way. Most of us believe that our lies actually work — mainly because it takes a rare person to confront us. But frequently there are cues, if we’re willing to see them, that indicate skeptical doubt, even outright disbelief, on the faces of those we lie to.
I recently encountered this during a client’s business review meeting. An executive, let’s call him Greg, was giving a presentation about the financial state of his company. As Greg explained the reasons behind the previous period’s shortfalls and his forecast for the next, people in the room seemed to grow uneasy and even troubled. Their knowing glances around the table and the awkward innuendo underneath their questions implied that they weren’t buying his explanations. Later, I pulled Greg aside and shared that some of his colleagues seemed skeptical. There were, however, a few ways he could begin to repair the damage.
If you sense that spinning information, denying a mistake, embellishing data, or exaggerating a contribution has backfired, don’t assume things will be OK after the painful silence or furrowed eyebrows subside. Your reputation is now in question. Here is how you can earn back some of your credibility.
First, reflect on why you lied. When I asked Greg why he embellished his data, he told me that he felt as if he had no other choice. “I was the newest salesperson at the time,” he said. “Everyone expected me to fail, and I felt like an outsider.” His desperate need to belong drove him to try to purchase acceptance.
Dishonesty is never random. Underneath our lies are unmet needs that we believe lying might satisfy. Identifying these needs is the first step to finding healthier ways to fulfill them.
Think about the last time you lied at work. Did you feel overlooked or unfairly judged by your boss? Did you fear your mistake would be more harshly criticized than warranted? Do you think your company’s “we learn from mistakes” slogan applied only to “the favorites,” and not to you? Or were you reacting to a larger organizational issue? My research on dishonesty, a 15-year longitudinal study on conditions that predict why people lie in organizations, reveals that some companies may be unwittingly creating circ*mstances that actually encourage us to lie. For example, when we feel our work is being unfairly evaluated, we are almost four times more likely to be dishonest.
Whatever your motivation, remember that identifying why you lied in no way excuses it. You may be tempted to quell any lingering feelings of shame with self-justification for lying in the first place. “It’s not fair…,” “I deserve this…,” and “Why should I have to…” are all defenses we use to rationalize deception. If you catch yourself defending your lies, that’s a clear signal that you are avoiding something deeper. Instead, ask yourself, “What underlying fears am I trying to protect?” Remember, dishonesty often provides no more than a momentary surge of false regard in the eyes of others.
Assess the credibility damage. While not easy, it’s important to gauge the degree to which others may have withdrawn their trust. Pay attention to how people now respond to you. Is your opinion being solicited less? Are things you say being engaged differently than before? In cases where your credibility has eroded over time, you may notice that there are meetings you are no longer invited to, or projects for which you haven’t been asked to contribute — even though your expertise is a natural fit.
As you recognize signs of weakening credibility, you may be triggered to lie even more to regain it. Resist your natural instinct to diminish the extent of the damage. Doing so will only perpetuate a cycle of deceit. Instead, evaluate the gap between the reputation you want and the reputation you have. Do you want to be known as someone with great ideas who delivers on commitments? Or as the go-to leader who can solve the toughest problems? Once you are clear on this, you can more accurately evaluate the degree of doubt you may have raised by attempting to dishonestly engineer that reputation.
Understanding this will help you identify different choices you can make in the future — choices that reflect the person you want to be at work and reduce your compulsion to “fake it.”
Look for ways to demonstrate self-honesty. It’s doubtful that your colleagues are asking themselves why you lied or looking for ways to give you the benefit of the doubt. It’s more likely that what they now wonder about is your capacity for honesty.
In some cases, they may also be questioning other aspects of your character. For example, if you exaggerated your contribution to a project or covered up a mistake, they may be doubting your capacity for humility as well as honesty. You may not have the opportunity to outright confess that you lied. Political conditions inside many companies often make such admissions too risky. (Although if you feel it’s safe to do so, by all means, take responsibility for your actions.) However, once you identify the conclusions people have drawn about you, you can practice demonstrating honesty in ways that refute them.
Sticking with the above example, if your humility is being questioned, genuine expressions of self-doubt about your ideas, self-deprecating acknowledgements of things you aren’t good at, and affirmations of others’ greater abilities can remind people that you aren’t all bad and that aspects of your integrity are still intact.
In cases where you feel relieved for not getting caught in your lies, don’t conclude that people were fooled into believing things about you or your work that aren’t true. You now have the dubious task of sustaining their perception, which may require more lies. Free yourself from this self-destructive cycle. Take stock of the conditions under which you are tempted to lie. Be honest about what legitimate needs you are trying to meet, and what legitimate reputation you are trying to form. Doing so will help you find more legitimate ways to do both.
FAQs
5 Steps to Save Your Reputation When You're Caught Lying
- Own Up to It. Being caught in a lie is embarrassing, which means your first instinct might involve denying it. ...
- Apologize. ...
- Avoid Excuses, But Provide Explanation. ...
- Do Damage Control. ...
- Avoid It in the Future.
Without intent to deceive, it is not a lie. It just isn't true, is all. The opposite of true is not lie but false.
Is it a lie if it is unintentional? ›
The only way lying can be unintentional is if you convey information that you believe is true, but it is false. You did not mean to deceive. Lying in general is conscious, whether it is a blatant lie to keep you out of trouble, or is a social lie meant to spare another's feelings.
Is it possible to trust after being lied to? ›
The bottom line. It's possible to rebuild a relationship after a breach of trust. Whether it's worth it depends on your relationship needs and whether you feel it's possible to trust your partner again. If you do decide to try repairing things, be prepared for things to take some time.
How do you show remorse after lying? ›
The following statements are simple ways to apologize:
- I'm sorry I hurt you by... I was wrong.
- I should have…/I shouldn't have…
- I'm sorry for hurting your feelings.
- I regret the way I acted.
- I'm ashamed that I lied.
- I'm sorry, I made a mistake.
“In contrast to lying, confabulation is not intentional and, in many cases, not even consciously perceived by the confabulator,” says Dr. Schnider. Because there is no intent to deceive and nothing to be gained, confabulation is sometimes referred to as “honest lying” by researchers.
What is it called when you lie for no reason? ›
Pathological lying, also known as mythomania and pseudologia fantastica, is the chronic behavior of compulsive or habitual lying. Unlike telling the occasional white lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings or getting in trouble, a pathological liar seems to lie for no apparent reason.
Why do people unintentionally lie? ›
Key points. People may lie because they believe the lie is critically important, even though it may seem inconsequential. Other reasons for lying include trying to control a situation or to avoid disappointing someone.
How do you admit you lied? ›
Make sure you always and always start your sentences with "I" and no other word. Something like, "I was not honest with you" or "I'm sorry that I did this". Don't even think about blaming your partner in this and making your lie look like your partner did something wrong which is why you chose to lie.
Why am I triggered by lying? ›
powerful emotions because it's tied to our instinct for survival. Being lied to triggers the same subconscious neural systems that go off when you feel endangered.
Biblical passages
One of the Ten Commandments is "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour"; for this reason, lying is generally considered a sin in Christianity. The story of Naboth in 1 Kings 21 provides an example where false witness leads to an unjust outcome.
Can lying be a mistake? ›
An act of lying, when it is wrong, can be wrong for either or both of two reasons: because it is an attempt to deceive or because it is an act of dishonesty.
What happens to your brain when you are lied to? ›
When we engage in deceit, our respiratory and heart rates increase, we start to sweat, our mouth goes dry, and our voice can shake. Some of these physiological effects form the basis of the classic lie-detector (polygraph) test. People vary in their ability to tell a lie due, in part, to differences in the brain.
How long does it take to rebuild trust after lying? ›
Rebuilding trust takes a significant amount of time and patience. It might take us several months or even years to fully be able to trust our loved one again. Along the way, we need to continue working on reestablishing trust slowly under the guidance of family counselors.
Can a relationship survive after lying? ›
Some couples may be able to withstand or recover from different types or levels of dishonesty, while others may not. In general, it's possible for a relationship to end because of a lie that caused irreparable damage.
What are signs of true remorse? ›
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
- Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. ...
- They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. ...
- They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so.
There is the red lie, which is a lie one tells to hurt another person or get even.
What is a delusional lie? ›
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a delusion is defined as: A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everybody else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary.
Is a lie Gaslighting? ›
Lying is a tactic to hide the truth while gaslighting shifts blame. When someone states a false fact, they are essentially trying to prevent you from knowing the true facts.
What is a narcissistic liar? ›
The narcissistic liar
This type of person never admits to making a mistake, even when the mistake could be a growth opportunity for your PR team. He or she is often a "people person" seeking attention when things go right, bragging or exaggerating accomplishments, while being quick to place blame and criticize others.
The three most commonly referred to are lies of commission, lies of omission, and lies of influence, aka character lies.
What words do liars use? ›
Making sweeping statements: "I would never" or "I always." Using non-specific language, generalized phrases and sweeping statements are common tactics for liars, who are trying to avoid giving hard facts and information.
What is the psychology behind lying? ›
We lie to save face, to avoid hurting other people's feelings, to impress others, to shirk responsibility, to hide misdeeds, as a social lubricant, to prevent conflict, to get out of work, and many more reasons. And we lie a lot.
Should you confess if you lied? ›
It is always better to speak the truth than making up lies. If you committed the mistake of lying to your partner, confessing that is the best and wisest thing to do.
How do you survive being lied to? ›
- Forgive yourself for being fooled. That's not easy to do-I know. ...
- Don't give a known liar the benefit of the doubt. This may go against your instincts if you've ever seen a Hollywood movie. ...
- Learn the basics of deception detection. ...
- Stop being shy about checking things out. ...
- Don't change who you are.
Here are 11 tips for confronting a liar.
- Be Absolutely Sure The Liar Is, In Fact, Lying. ...
- Remain Confident. ...
- Come To The Table With Love. ...
- Be Sure To Have The Facts In Tow. ...
- Keep It Conversational. ...
- Ask Them Specific Questions. ...
- Explain That You Won't Tolerate Lying. ...
- Get Your Mind Right.
When people experience overwhelming anxiety (or fear) about letting themselves, or someone else down, one way to escape (flee) the perceived threatening or stressful situation is to lie, escape, or avoid. Once the stress response system is activated, it's difficult for rational decision making to take place.
What mental illness has to do with lying? ›
Pathological lying or lying compulsively can also be a symptom of antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. People with these personality disorders may lie to gain sympathy or social status, or to preserve a false sense of self.
What does God say about dealing with liars? ›
A person who lies hates the individual they are lying to (Proverbs 26:28). And if you hate another human being, God views the hater as a murderer (1 John 3:15; 1 John 4:20). God hates the sin of lying because it is deceptive. False prophets and teachers are equally condemned.
What does the Ten Commandments say about lying? ›
The Ninth of the Ten Commandments is “You shall not give false witness against your neighbor.” This means two things: “Do not lie when testifying in court.” And, “Do not lie.” Period.
Getting caught in a lie often destroys relationships. Lying has consequences. When someone finds out you have lied, it affects how that person deals with you forever. If your spouse lies, you may be able to work it out in therapy, but an employer is not likely to forgive.
Does lying change you? ›
Lying Changes the Brain
Nature Neuroscience reported a study of the amygdala, the part of the brain dealing with emotional responses. The researchers said the amygdala shows up less and less, as we lie more and more. Essentially, our guilt feelings tend to weaken and shrink.
Is lying being toxic? ›
Compulsive lying.
Whether it is a sign of a lack of conscience or a full-blown antisocial personality disorder, this is a sign of a toxic relationship. Simply put: If you can't trust your partner to tell the truth, your relationship is doomed.
Is lying considered toxic? ›
Lying. Dishonesty degrades the foundation of all relationships, mutual trust. Philosopher Immanuel Kant believed if everyone lied, nobody would believe anything they were told! Lying is toxic since it is self-defeating. Striving for truth in our relationships with others shows we care about their desires and choices.
What is a gray lie? ›
Gray lies were said to consist of lies that were ambiguous in nature or held the characteristics of a real lie yet were still viewed as justifiable given the circ*mstance.
What is blue lies? ›
The term "blue lies" was coined to describe lies that police officers told to protect others in the law enforcement community. Lying to protect another officer from punishment was viewed within that community as a morally appropriate defense against outsiders (Barnes, 1994; Bok 1978).
What are the red flags of lying? ›
When it comes to detecting lies, people often focus on body language “tells,” or subtle physical and behavioral signs that reveal deception. For example, shrugging, lack of expression, a bored posture, and grooming behaviors such as playing with hair or pressing fingers to lips can give away a person who is lying.
What is it called when you accidentally lie? ›
“In contrast to lying, confabulation is not intentional and, in many cases, not even consciously perceived by the confabulator,” says Dr. Schnider. Because there is no intent to deceive and nothing to be gained, confabulation is sometimes referred to as “honest lying” by researchers.
How do you tell someone you accidentally lied? ›
Admit that what you said was a lie.
Telling someone you made a mistake is scary, but it'll help you make things better. Explain to the person that you told them something that was untruthful. Then, tell them specifically what you said that was a lie. You might say, “I need to tell you that I told you a lie.
How do I admit that I lied? ›
Make sure you always and always start your sentences with "I" and no other word. Something like, "I was not honest with you" or "I'm sorry that I did this". Don't even think about blaming your partner in this and making your lie look like your partner did something wrong which is why you chose to lie.
Lies might also be a coping mechanism for low self-esteem or past trauma. Despite these short-term benefits, compulsive lying often backfires in the long run. A habitual liar may feel extreme stress from keeping track of their falsehoods. They may struggle to live up to their own claims.
What mental illness is associated with lying? ›
Pathological lying or lying compulsively can also be a symptom of antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. People with these personality disorders may lie to gain sympathy or social status, or to preserve a false sense of self.
How do you say you lied in a nice way? ›
Mendacious. Probably the best fancy way to describe a liar is mendacious.
Should lying be forgiven? ›
If a person lies, and is unrepentant about it, you are under no obligation to forgive. If the liar is sorry, you still do not have to forgive. Generally it is a good idea to do so, but the choice is yours. Forgiveness is not automatic just because the other person is sorry.
Is lying a form of disrespect? ›
No matter how common it is to lie, it is still considered impolite and bad behavior. Being lied to can be frustrating and it often breaks the bond of trust between two people, causing problems in the relationship.
Should I confess to something I did wrong? ›
If you've done something wrong with serious consequences, like if you've committed a crime, you should make your initial confession to a law enforcement representative or another appropriate authority.
How does a liar act when confronted? ›
When people lie and they are confronted with evidence that contradicts those lies, they may change their story or deny the truth altogether. They may also try to manipulate others to maintain their false story. Blaming others for their lies. They may try to deflect blame or shift responsibility onto others.
